Struggle & Growth | Stream of Consciousness #3
“When you go through growing pains and learning experiences, it makes you tougher down the road.”
Brian Roberts
We are at a third of the way through 2018, and I can definitely say it is not a easy one. From the very beginning of the year I already understood this year would be a challenge, from a personal to a professional point of view. So in this third SoC (how fitting), as you are already familiar with this, I want to declutter and rearrange my priorities and understand what goes on my messy mind, so forgive me if it is a little all over the place. You have been warned! Here we go!
Me & my entourage
This is going to be a lot, sorry in advance (yikes). So the beginning of this year was an emotional rollercoaster for me, with my family and even my social life in itself.
When you think everything is good in your family something always seems to come up and ruin everything, right? You’re damn right! And guess what? My empath self is not happy with all of this… Family is something which, as everything in life, is supposed to bring you some sort of balance. In my case, I love my family very much, they played an integral part in shaping the person I am today and it was going well, even though I’m far away from them, they were and always are there for me. The problem is when things don’t go well, whether you want it or not you’re involved in the problems. I won’t bother you with the details since they are too personal however things aren’t pretty and well it hurts, even though after the death of my mother and all the personal development I did until then, I thought I would be ready. I couldn’t be more wrong.
In my social life, I’m fortunate to work in the company I’m currently working in since all the employees have shared core values and it eases the development of friendships, since my return I’m in France wasn’t able to develop many friendships with people of my age (But I did developed it with older people which is also great), so this problem is solves for now. However, I sometimes have the feeling I’m somehow out of place, I don’t really know why but I do and it’s annoying to be honest, maybe it’s my old insecurities coming back because of my emotional imbalance. I hope so at least.
I think I already said this somewhere, I consider myself a nice and kind hearted person, however people shouldn’t take my kindness as a weakness or a sign of being naive.
To conclude this depressing part, the beginning of 2018 was an emotionally challenging and I’m still dealing with these problems. Hopefully things will work out.
Work work and more work
Yet another pickle about my work, It seems I can never be happy about it. Ever since I started my work life, I felt out of place, or at least as I progress throughout a job I feel I don’t belong here anymore. There are several reasons for this:
- My creativity is being blocked by repetitive tasks
- Not believing in what I am working;
- The project I am working in isn’t relevant or good for our society;
- I am not evolving as a professional (that being in my area or not);
- The management/administration is not doing a good job;
- Communication issues;
- Lack of real Human interactions;
Let me explain, when I left the educational system, I thought I was sufficiently prepared for what was coming. I knew I wanted to do something that brought me joy, not only by doing it, but also by knowing what I was working for would bring something good to our society. Well I wasn’t prepared, how foolish of me to think I was. How could I’ve known?
The working system is not built in the principles I have enumerated above. That’s for sure. It thrives on people doing the same thing over and over again. In people not questioning their systems and models. In people who want to live in the system but not in bettering it.
I’m sorry System I’m not built, or maybe I’ve overcome part of my programming which told me I should follow this particular pattern.
2018 is a year of preparing for my step towards in what I really want to do.
Finis
There you go, here is my 3rd SoC, a lot has happened mostly bad things to be completely honest with you. But, hey, growth either comes from Satori or Kensho moments, I guess my growth can’t be all derived from the former. More is still to come, hopefully. See you in the next one.
Here is another stream of consciousness, please let me know what you think and tell me what is also going on on your life, so it might also help you process.
